Georges Guynemer vs Manfred Von Richtofen - forfeit to Manfred

George gets so wrapped up with chosing the correct shoes and wig to fight in, he misses the fight entirely. Manfred makes a majestic acceptance speech incorporating themes of Teutonic chivalry, brotherhood and the virtues of wearing leather shorts. NOTE: I've watched too much Blackadder to be able to envision this question objectively. (Imagine Adrian Edmondson vs. Tim McInerney)

John McCrea vs Joyce Kilmer - McRae

John McCrea, dizzy from poppy opiates, tries to reason with Kilmer that there really are poems lovelier than trees. He jabs. As he dances listlessly around Joyce, he postulates that if God wanted to, he could write a kick-ass poem that would blow any stupid tree right out of the water. Kilmer explodes in a red-hot rage. He comes out with a right hook and misses, spinning himself out of the rink where he is impaled on an exceedingly ugly mail-order Lombardy poplar (half-dead), planted by the neighbors to block their view of his above-ground pool hijinx.

Ernest Hemingway vs Walt Disney - In an astonishing upset, WALT.

Ernest swaggers to the ring, wearing a fiberglass marlin hat and tough-talking like a sailor in a dentist's chair. Disney slips under the ropes demurely, wearing exquisitely tailored red-polka dot shorts. Ernest orders a Cuban sandwich, bragging to the crowd that by the time it's ready, Walt will be the one for whom the bell tolls. The audience boos. They hate shameless self-promotion when it has nothing to do with commercial gain, criminal syndicates or saccharine Judeo-Christian values. Ernest gapes and screams foul; decrying the plight of the drunken, misogynistic overrated artist. The audience quickly becomes a mob: a sea of round, irisless orbs, blinking in unison. They cry, "Author! Author!" The action stops. Ernest is mysteriously erased. Walt wins.

P.S. Got any temperance tunes?

Edited at 2007-11-12 03:03 pm (UTC)

Celebrity death matches are the best.